Abraham. N. Cucumber
Abraham. N. Cucumber’s Hierarchy Of Basic Needs
Abraham. N. Cucumber was a first year initiate of the Towers Of Wizardry in Lichfield when he proposed his theory of basic needs. Of course, his superiors did not look kindly upon his assertions that all human life was dependent upon the three basic substances which The Almighty Wiz, in his infinite and unquestionable wisdom, had decreed hazardous to the health and wellbeing of the general populous and therefore placed under strictly rationed control.
Cucumber was swiftly ousted from the establishment – he and his theo-heretical proposals being hurled from the hallowed doors and into the welcoming arms of the Pre-Cognitive Sisterhood, who instantly adopted him as their first and only ever male member and immediately began embroidering his triangular trademark upon pig-skin banners using bone needles and strands of their own armpit hair as thread.
Cucumber’s theory states that in order for humans to fulfil their potential as happy, well-adjusted, enlightened beings, three basic needs must be met:
The most basic human need is TEA. If human beings are deprived of tea they begin to feel anxious and depressed, demonstrating an inability to cope with day to day tasks, a lack of self esteem, defensiveness, irrational irritability, anger and frustration. In social situations, humans deprived of tea will behave in a withdrawn and agitated fashion, treating other humans with contempt and mistrust. Physical effects of tea deprivation may include narcolepsy, tremors and spontaneous release of expletives. Cucumber deduced that tea was then directly linked with physical and emotional wellbeing.
Once a human has sufficient tea to transform them from an insecure, paranoid, aggressive and agitated social wreck, they require CAKE. Without cake, a human may be able to function on a basic physical level, skillfully traversing the hours of daylight without dissolving into a primitive beast or primeval jelly, but they will nevertheless struggle to achieve their full potential in the world. Large and frequent slabs of sugar laden, cream stuffed, fondant frosted sponge are required if a human is to reach that happy state of being which will enable them to explore their environment, expand their knowledge, learn new skills, conduct meaningful social interactions and begin to form relationships with other humans. Cake deprivation results in subjects who are socially withdrawn, unsuccessful in forming relationships, slow to acquire new skills and lack motivation to improve their knowledge, social aptitude and career prospects.
When provided with the optimum levels of tea and cake, our subject will not only be able to function on a personal level without physical impairment, but also interact with other human beings, form useful relationships and gain vital knowledge and skills to aid its progress through the world. However, in order to achieve the higher goals of sustaining life-long relationships, acting altruistically and gaining insight into the true nature of the universe and one’s place within it, one last need must be fulfilled. The need to experience MAGIC. When a human being is able to fill their waking hours with fairies and unicorns, sparkly scatterings of golden pixie dust and the tinkling footsteps of the gods themselves, then and only then will earthly strife and a pre-occupation with personal wants and needs be relegated to the dusty attic of insignificance.
Cucumber therefore surmised that it was, in fact, the deprivation of tea, cake and magic which was directly responsible for the plague of violence, crime and general anti-social behaviour that was sweeping the Scattered Isles. He screamed his theories from every street corner and Tiffin Den in Ire. He pointed the finger at the Closed County Of Devon (as notoriously tranquil and crime-free as it was plentiful in tea and cake) as an example which proved his case. Amongst the masses he became a national hero.
He was arrested for heresy, treason, caffeine addiction and harbouring offensive amounts of facial hair and executed at Tyburn just six years after his expulsion from Lichfield.